3 Bold Steps to Kick-Start Healing After a Toxic Relationship

When I first left my abuser, I was obsessed and I mean obsessed, with finding the reason why he did what he did.  I had rationalized that if I discovered what was wrong with him, I could move on and get started on living my life again.

I spent a great deal of my life analyzing his behaviour and developing varied and compelling diagnoses.  With every diagnosis, I had lists of supporting evidence.  

I had all sorts of them:  Narcissist, Middle Child Syndrome, Toxic Parents, Anger Management, Alcohol Abuse, and so on 

But every diagnosis, only offered fleeting happiness.  I would celebrate what I thought was the perfect reason only to realize that it did not heal my hurt or my heart or my life.  I continued to feel hurt and lonely and lost.

It wasn't until I realized that not one of the "labels" that I was giving him was going to change a damn thing.  It really didn't matter if he was a narcissist or had nasty parents.  The bottom line: He was a fu*king class A dick. Period.

He hurt me because he could and because he wanted to.  

No fancy labels needed!

Once I stopped analyzing him, I was able to focus on me, my life, and my healing.  That moment was the beginning of my Healing Journey.  It was the moment I stepped into being a Victor!

I focused on these 3 Bold Steps:

Step One: Acceptance

This is a big, healing step.  It's time to own that it happened.  It just happened.  It was awful and painful and hurtful but it represents something that happened in your life that will ultimately shape you and create a better version of you.

Hot Tip: Give it a Name.  I call my period of abuse "The Incident".  When I speak with people, I can simply state when The Incident happened or after The Incident.  A generic name immediately diminishes any power your past has over your present and future.

Step Two: Looking Inward

Now you have time to take a close look at what you want and need in your life.  Take the time to really dive deep into your feelings and values:  What makes you smile.  What makes you feel happy. Where do you see yourself in one-year.  Two-years.  What do need in a partner.  What are your values - honesty, freedom, spirituality, humour, intelligence and so on.

Hot Tip: Dive Deep & Take Your Time.  What you value in life and what is acceptable and not acceptable is so very important to your future peace and happiness.  Take all the time you need to dive deep into your needs and wants.  Review.  Revise.  Release the ones that don't feel good.  

Step Three: Putting Me First

You are the most valuable player in your life.  Your well being, needs, wants, desires and passions come first.  Push back - but what about so-and-so, or my kids, or my job?  Yes, they are important but if you do not put yourself first, your mental, physical, and emotional health will quickly deteriorate and you will be of little value to anyone including yourself!

Hot Tip:  Do One Thing Every Day That is Just for You.  One thing is all that is needed.  It can be for five minutes, one-hour, or an entire evening.  That's your choice each day.  Have a quiet tea or coffee without interruption.  Read a chapter.  Chat on the phone with a happy friend.  Be creative.  Take a walk.  Go skating.  

One Simple Pleasure per Day will Improve Your Mood, Your Health, and Your Relationships!

----------------------

Big.Bold.Blissful.

A Course in Happiness

Starts November 1st

Are you are struggling with success in relationships? 

Big. Bold. Blissful. shifts desperation and loneliness

 into self-sufficiency + self-love. 

Ready?

Grab Your Spot!

--------------------

Download the 5-Steps to Transform from Victim to Victor Workbook:  

Get It Now!

I help women discover the big, bold, blissful lives they deserve! Ready to reclaim your future and start thriving? Book your free Discovery Session now!

5-Signs You Are Holding on to the Past for Dear Life

You did it.  You took the first step and left him behind and I want to congratulate you for the courageous step you took when you left your toxic, emotionally abusive partner.

It was a bad relationship and you were consistently criticized, bullied, ridiculed, and abandoned. You decided that it was time to say goodbye to the person and walk out the door.  You decided you want and deserve a better life. 

But there's a problem that's standing in your way of a your new, life and happiness:  You are holding on to your Past for Dear Life.

5-Signs that You are Guilty of Holding On:

1. You won't stop talking about it.  The incident I mean.  You want to tell everyone who will listen and even those who don't want to but are stuck! 
2. You fully embrace your victim label.  You hold onto your story and keep telling it so you can rationalize your "victimness" and hang on to it for dear life.
3. You haven't moved forward.  Not one little step.  You can only be a validated victim if you stay right where you are.
4. You haven't set any new goals.  No new action steps to change your life.  You haven't set a dream or rekindled a passion.  Nothing.  Just stuck.
5. You are losing friends, family, colleagues and acquaintances.  People are jumping ship.

When you leave a toxic, painful relationship, you leave with scars on your heart but you also leave with your Free Will to Create a Life You Love.  But in order to embrace your new happiness and heal your scars, you have to leave your story in the past. You have to let go of your victim; she's holding you back.

The most common reason for hanging on for dear life is familiarity.  It is a familiar place to be.  You are a victim and there is safety in that label.  If you hang on to your story and your hurt then no one else can get in and do it again. 

It's scary to let go of something familiar and let yourself fall freely into your new chapter.  But it is the best and only thing to do when you want to embrace and love yourself unconditionally.

While you're holding on to your "victim", you are closing off a space for your victor to flourish. Victors love themselves unconditionally.  They recognize that they have taken big, bold, courageous steps to freedom and they celebrate their tenacity.  Victors thrive and create a life that has meaning to them. They wake up in the morning ready for their next adventure.  They are fully and completely alive.

Victors know what they want, what is acceptable and how they will achieve their goals.

Your Victor Blossoms When You Release Your Victim

I cannot express to you the joy and the fun you will have in your life when you decide to let your victim go! There is no future in holding on!

I know it's scary but you are worth the plunge.  Once you let the victim go, you will begin to see all the possibilities that are available to you.  And your hands and heart will be open to grabbing on to them. 

You're amazing and you're on your way to a fantastic life built by you, for you.

___________________

Are You Ready to Thrive: Live Life Fearlessly?

Download the 5-Steps to Transform from Victim to Victor Workbook:  

Get It Now!

I help women discover the big, bold, blissful lives they deserve! Ready to reclaim your future and start thriving? Book your free Discovery Session now!

7-Ways Your Life Will Blossom When You Release "Why"

I remember when I left my tormentor, I was emotionally tortured by "WHY".  I screamed why at the top of my lungs.  It started all my questions: Why did he do it?  Why wasn't I good enough? Why did this happen to me? 

I searched and searched for answers but the "why" was never ending and one why led to the next why. The answers were simply not satisfying and I was stuck.  Not moving forward.  Living with "him" even though I had physically left.  

When you're firmly hugging your why, it's impossible to embrace your new "how" and "when". Moving forward, igniting your confidence and sparking your true Rebel Thriver only happen when you release why.

How and when are personal power questions that keep you moving toward your goal of a confident, independent, and happy life.  

Here's what happens when you Embrace "How" & "When"

YOU WILL wake up every day energized, joyful, confident, and excited about the possibilities
YOU WILL put yourself first, say No without guilt, and stand up for your values
YOU WILL attract amazing, supportive and loving people into your life
YOU WILL be confident and comfortable, complete yourself, and will easily recognize and connect with those who share your values and enthusiasm
YOU WILL spark your sense of adventure, wonder & joy
YOU WILL recognize increased intimacy and mutually rewarding relationships
YOU WILL embrace your  Big. Bold. Blissful. Life!

To your amazing journey, Susan xo

PS: Feel free to read Why is a Dirty Word to learn how detrimental why is to your healing journey.

--------------

Big.Bold.Blissful. Life Program

Designed to Ignite your Confidence & 

Spark your True Rebel Thriver?

Big.Bold.Blissful. Life

Starts October 1st

6-weeks to Bliss

Get Ready to Live with

Passion, Joy & Love Everyday!

Investment: $44

Sign Me Up!

5-Steps to Transform from Victim to Victor

You made a courageous, big, bold decision to leave a toxic relationship and I want to congratulate you for your tenaciousness!

It takes a lot of determination and sometimes a leap of faith to finally say: "That's it, I've had enough. I'm outta here!"

Because of your fabulous decision to ditch your tormentor, you are no longer experiencing that person's daily verbal and emotional assaults. You have stepped into your Freedom and now you have two paths to choose from:

1)  The Path of the Victim:

Wallowing in self-pity, victim, sufferer, depressed, unhappy, blaming, complaining, hopeless

Falling down as victim, wallowing in self-pity,or being a sufferer reverses your big, bold, step.  Once you accept a victim-mentality you spend your precious time looking for someone to blame or complaining in general.

It is a no-win model! There is no value in continuing to focus on the whys, maybes, and what ifs. It is not a healing model.  It’s a model that keeps your tied to your toxic relationship and living in the past.

2) The Path of the Victor:

Survivor, Thriver, Victor, Courageous, Confident, Inspired, Happy, Grateful, Hopeful

Choose the Path of the Victor!

Stepping into life as a Victor and the Creator of Your Own Destiny is empowering, enriching, and lifesaving.  When you're the Victor, you see each step you take in your healing journey as progress. You don't look back or want to find explanations for the past.  You want to experience your life, your way, in the present moment while creating your amazing future.

Life is short.  Sometimes it can be cut even shorter.  When you emerge as a Victor ready to take on the challenge of claiming responsibility for your life and your actions, you don't waste precious time rehashing the past looking for answers because you're way too busy having fun, setting goals, and seeing your future as an adventure of your making.

The victor is not afraid to fail, or feel uncomfortable by the effort required to work hard and succeed.

5-Steps to Transform From Victim to Victor

Step One - Gratitude, Gratitude and More Gratitude

There is always something to be grateful for.  The smallest of things bring me the greatest gratitude. When you are “stuck” or feeling down, gratitude will provide the way out.  Gratitude puts situations into perspective. When we can see the good as well as the bad, it becomes more difficult to complain and stay stuck.  Gratitude focuses our attention on what we have.

Step Two - Let it Go!

What can I release? Let go of?  I bet you're holding on to all kinds of negative junk.  The junk you're holding on to is cluttering your mind and your path forward.  Yeah, that's the truth! The things you hold on to, bear grudges or perhaps feel angry and hurt about cloud your mind and prevent you from being the best you can be.

Step Three - Building Your Relationship with Authentic You

The authentic self is the real, genuine you. It is the you that is buried deep and is the very core of your being. The authentic self is a culmination of all things that are you – knowledge, talents, skills, attitude, and perspective. It isn’t defined by your placement in a family unit or career. 

Finding the truth about who you really are and what is important to you takes honesty, awareness, and some time. 

Step Four - Get in Front of Your Challenges

It is so easy to get stopped dead in your tracks when you start to think about all the challenges in your path.  In fact, when you overthink your “to do” list, you could give up on your journey and I don’t want you to do that!

Challenges are everywhere in your life.  It’s not the challenge that will keep you stuck, it’s how you handle it.  And the best way to handle challenges is to get out in front of them.

Step Five - Embrace Your Possibilities

One of the most powerful tools anyone can use on a daily basis is Positive Affirmations. Every time you write or say your affirmation, you are reinforcing your new positive belief and overwriting your old negative one.

You're Ready to Thrive: Live Life Fearlessly

Download the 5-Steps to Transform from Victim to Victor Workbook:  

Get It Now!

I help women discover the big, bold, blissful lives they deserve! Ready to reclaim your future and start thriving? Book your free Discovery Session now!

Victim or Victor? Which One Will You Choose?

Choose Wisely.  There is a tremendous amount of Power in One Word.

When my toxic-violent relationship ended, I was thrust into the "victim" services mentality which is, unfortunately, the prevalent and preferred way of handling survivors of abuse.

Being labelled a Victim almost killed me.  Being a Victim almost robbed me of the amazing life I have created for myself.  I would have loved to have known the power of being a Victor.  My journey would have been shorter and less self-destructive.

You are only a victim while it's happening.  Victimness is fleeting. Let yourself be a victim for too long and you will rob yourself of a big, bold, ballsy life.

Stepping away from someone who is abusing you is a courageous and "victorious" act. You are now a Victor. You are free of your tormentor, you a strong, worthwhile woman who is capable of achieving anything you set your mind to.

After all, you just walked away from your abuser.  Nothing shouts Victor louder than that!

Claiming your Victor status, immediately puts the incident in the past where it belongs and keeps you moving forward.


Mindset Shifting From Victim to Victor

Victim - I can't believe that happened to me.  I wish I knew why then I might be able to fix what's wrong with me

Victor - It happened, it felt like shit and I left.  I am capable of putting me first and I'm worth it

Victim - I wonder what other people think about me. They probably see me as weak and going nowhere in my life

Victor - I had the courage to leave my abuser.  That makes me a self-confident and amazing woman. I think I'm fabulous and only what I think about myself matters.

Victim - I thought my relationship was forever.  I found the love of my life and now I'm lonely, sad and angry.  Why?  I will never find love.

Victor - I will look forward and heal my relationship with myself.  I will love me and all my imperfections.  Then, and only then, I will be able to invite a partner to share my life if I choose to!


The healing power of shifting your mindset to Victor is extremely powerful and will push you and keep you moving forward.

When you are a Victor, your life is full of limitless opportunities and possibilities

Be Better     Be Confident      Be Bold     Be Ballsy     Be Happy

You Did It!        You Are a Victor!

Move Forward Toward Your Dreams and Keep Going Until You Reach Them

I help women discover the big, bold, ballsy lives they deserve!  Ready to reclaim your future and start thriving?  Book your Free Discovery Session Now!

My Personal Journey from Victim to Survivor to Thriver

It happened in a split second and I almost let it negatively change my life forever.  But I didn't and I'm so grateful.

I loved him and I trusted him and then he hit me and choked me and sexually assaulted me and cheated on me.  I was devastated. My world was crashing down around me and I felt betrayed, powerless, worthless and humiliated.

I found a small bit of the feisty me and charged him.  In Ontario, the police file the charges and he was arrested and put in jail.  And then the insult upon injury happened - his girlfriend bailed him out of jail!

So it ended. I was unceremoniously thrust into the label of "victim".  At the time it satisfied many of my needs. I could cry and whine.  I could drink excessively.  I could feel sorry for myself.  I could be self-destructive.  I could treat men like garbage.  I could be a righteous bitch. I could believe that it was okay because I WAS A VICTIM!

I had other negative labels that had been attached by "that guy" - loser, stupid, useless, ugly, fat, etc.  You catch my drift.

There I was stuck with labels and limiting beliefs that were certainly not the kind to live a vibrant and happy life.

I longed for the me that was free and confident and could do anything she set her mind too.  I wanted to find her again and love her and be her.  I wanted to fulfill my dreams.

Underneath all the labels I had acquired was "me" and I wanted her back.  I wanted to write new chapters for my life.  Chapters that were filled with happiness, brightness, joy, passion and life.

I wanted to reclaim my light spirit and I did.

I met a friend who dedicated her life to helping others and was very successful.  She told me that words have power and that by changing my words, I would begin to change my life and find the me I had lost.  

That day I changed my biggest negative label Victim to Survivor. Immediately, it had a positive impact on my behaviour and it boosted my self-confidence and my will to achieve my goals and dreams.

I was coming back.  I was scared to let go but I knew that I couldn't embrace new beginnings while I was hanging onto the past.

It was a journey and sometimes I felt I would never be able to live a life light of heart.  But I persevered.   I accepted the challenge and stepped into my life beyond the hurt.

I have successfully achieved many of my goals - learning to drive, graduating with honours from the University of Toronto, travelling and experiencing vibrant countries and falling in love again.

Me and my beautiful daughter on my wedding day!

It is possible to get your life back after a traumatic setback.  Not only can you get it back, it will be bigger and bolder than it was before.

I can confidently declare myself a "Thriver" who's loving life every minute of every day.

I let go of the past and

embraced my bright future.

About Susan Ball:  Susan inspires her clients to live the life of their dreams with passion, joy, and love. Susan is an experienced international Life Coach helping people Live a Baggage-Free Life.

Learn more about Susan by visiting her Online, on Facebook

I Broke-Up With My Daughter

and I feel free, fabulous and authentic.

It was a difficult relationship and I often felt that my soul was being dug out with a spoon every time we engaged with each other. It was time for a change!

Relationships can be wonderful, loving and mutually beneficial or they can be draining, stress-filled and grossly one-sided.  The relationship with my daughter was the latter.

It was one-sided, demanding, overbearing and she felt no compassion or remorse.  Kind words and gestures were way beyond her scope of understanding.

I hung in for a very long time.  Why?  Simply because there is societal pressure to continue a relationship based on family connection, blood or a specific set of labels.  In our case, our labels were mother and daughter.

I felt more like a doormat and an instant ATM.  My punishment for not behaving as she expected, banishment from my grandsons.  Do it mother or you will not see or speak with them.

The day came when I'd had enough and I was at my lowest point and I decided to break up with my daughter.

The words came easier than I thought they would.  Actually, once I said it, I started to feel amazing and that great feeling has continued to this day.

When you think of your "relationships" and your labels, is there one that you would like to break up with?  Yes, indeed!

Now imagine the peace and tranquility that would invade your being if you sent that person packing?  You feel amazing, calm and look forward to your day and life.

It can be done!  I know I did it and everything about my life has improved.  I will love my daughter forever.  Liking her is a whole other matter and I don't.

Healthy relationships are not defined by labels.

Connect with me and schedule your 30-minute complementary session.  It's simple Visit my website  or send an email

My Journey to Wellness

A few years ago I thought I had met the man of my dreams.  We would be married forever, grow old together and have a happy home with a white picket fence.  He treated me like a princess and bought me a house that I loved in a small town away from the big city.  When we moved into the house, he asked me to marry him and I said yes.  All was well until right after our wedding reception during our drive to our honeymoon destination.  That's when he said - "Now that you're my wife, you'll do as you're told, when you're told".  I thought he was joking but he wasn't and my life took a dramatic turn into physical and emotional abuse.


It lasted a few months and then I left.  I was shattered and through our court system was ordered to take mandatory "Victims of Violence" counselling sessions.  Okay.  I quickly learned that anything I did - good or bad - would be excused because I was after all a 'victim of violence'.  I lived my life knowing that everyone would have to understand my transgressions because I was a victim and that made it okay.


Fast forward to meeting someone who would have a profound and positive effect on my life.  She was a family friend, someone I hadn't seen in a long time.  A chance encounter in downtown Toronto led to a dinner together.  We chatted for a while and then I started to tell her my sad victim story - I wanted her to buy into my victim mentality and grant me the freedom to do what I wanted based on it.  


She wouldn't co-operate!  She kept saying:  "That's in the past"  "You survived and you're a survivor" "It's time to move forward"  "You are worthy of a great life"  "Have you forgiven him?" That question in particular shocked me and I thought she hadn't heard a word I said.  I kept trying to get her sympathy, get her to see it my way and over and over again she would keep asking me "What are you going to do with your life?"  I became infuriated and thought this old family friendship is over and decided I would not see her again.

But a surprising thing happened when I got home, I kept hearing her questions and the words she spoke and the smile on her face and I started to think yes, I am a survivor and yes, I do deserve to be happy and I do have lots to offer the world.  And I realized I wanted to speak with her again and I eagerly set up another dinner.  This time I was happy to ask questions and listen to the way she responded.  Each response encouraged me to develop a strong sense of self-worth and excitement about the rest of my life, what I would see, what I would do and how I would have a positive impact.


My friend was an NLP Life Coach and those meetings changed my life, my attitude, and set me on the journey of learning and becoming a life coach so that I would be able to help individuals find their way in life, let go of the past, live in the moment and create an exciting future.


In addition to my training, I bring my life's experience to my coaching practice and I love it when my client's have their epiphany just like me.  It's the big smile that gives it away every time!


Oh, I did forgive him and with that came freedom from the past.  Forgiveness is essential and I will talk about how the Simple Act of Forgiveness will positively impact your life and set you firmly in the present in my next post.


Make it a Great Day


Susan